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January 26th, 2005
Fat Girl Sad

It was hard getting through my workout today. I usually am really enthusiastic and have a good energy level at the start of my workout, but today I was feeling draggy. It was an effort, start to finish, to get through it. I was doing a lot of jumping and running up and down stairs, and the cheapa$$ bra I have isn’t cutting it, either. I’m either going to have to wear two bras or spring for the spendy one because bouncing boobs are pained boobs.

Then there is the fact that my body image is taking a beating. Given our nation’s collective body hatred (and fat hatred), this isn’t surprising, but it’s still depressing. It creates something of a cognitive dissonance for me, because I believe that body size shouldn’t matter, that one can be sexy at any size, yadda yadda yadda, and yet I secretly (well, until now) still want to lose weight because… well, because there are days when I can’t say “Hot Mama!” to the mirror and can only think “Fat Pig!” There are days like today when exercise isn’t a joyful expression of moving my body around but becomes an expression of frustration at how heavy I am, literally. Wouldn’t it be easier to trot up and down those stairs if I weighed less? Let’s not kid ourselves here, wouldn’t it be nice if OTHER people thought you were sexy too? More dissonance — who cares what other people think? *little voice* Sometimes I care…

Argh. I start to feel like I have one of those cartoon devils on one shoulder and a cartoon angel on the other, both whispering in my ear. The devil says “You’re fat and ugly and need to LOSE weight!” and the angel says “Love yourself, respect your body, you’re beautiful, don’t listen to him!”

It’s a conflicted existence. I’m not sure how I solve it, except that maybe if I ignore the devil most of the time I’ll feel better, at least.

Posted by Claire at 04:25 PM | Fat!So?, Move Yourself | Comments (6) | Tweet This Post

6 Responses to “Fat Girl Sad”

  1. jennibee says:

    Just do it for you. That’s the only way you’ll get through it and the only way you’ll maintain it. Keep it up, girl! You are kickin some major tail!

  2. jennibee says:

    Just do it for you. That’s the only way you’ll get through it and the only way you’ll maintain it. Keep it up, girl! You are kickin some major tail!
    From another Portland Gal:)

  3. Barrel of Laughs says:

    Would just like to say, I find it VERY cool to hear that someone plus size (like myself) is actually exercising and not giving in immediately upon pondering the idea of doing so. “It’s just too much work” “It will take me months to make a dent in this barrel I call a body” “Suffering without eating what I’m used to for years, only to keep doing it once I reach my benchmark?….never mind” All my self-defeating feelings bubble up like Pop-up Video clouds. No exercise, no diet, shame on me… You have at least ignored the little devil some. X-Treme applause to you! Maybe there is life after exercise? Thanks for the motivation. You are an inspiration—keep it up! : ))

  4. Jalpuna! says:

    I’m just here to pass on a kind word where it is due. Your rotating “What If” pics inspired me to put my photos to good use, and my site is better because of it.

    Thanks for a little inspiration!

  5. Claire says:

    thanks Jalpuna!

  6. Mary says:

    Just started going to Curves and your entry really helped me to feel like I’m not the only one who has this constant argument playing out in my skull!

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